big sister blog

fellow gen-zers, are we doomed???

dating in today’s society is nothing short of brutal. the rom-coms we know, love, and dream about mimicking might as well be classified as fantasy. the self-help books that seem to make a lot of sense while reading them are all outdated. this isn’t even an exaggeration, but it’s left me feeling hopeless and like i’ll never find someone that lives up to my standards and treats me the way i deserve. that’s unless i settle for someone who’s much older than i am, which i’m really not into. that being said, i’ve resorted to the waiting game, which has already lasted a very long time and looks like it won’t be ending any time soon.

i have two questions: is chivalry really dead? what do us girls who won’t settle have to do while we wait for boys our age, who are already 5 years behind us emotionally, to man up and take dating seriously?

these questions came to mind recently after i read a book called why men love bitches. i thought the book was extremely insightful and empowering. it seemed as though it was released rather recently since i resonated with almost everything and believed that men would as well. i thought: perfect! an up-to-date handbook for 1.) how to find someone who will take me seriously and 2.) how to ensure that the relationship lasts long-term. it was perfect until i finished the book and looked up the year it was published. just one year after i was born, a whopping 21 years ago…. sigh.

not that this makes the information any less valid. it shouldn’t. in fact, i’m willing to bet that all the information in this book was valid from the moment god created men up until he created gen z. the thing that i don’t understand is why now? the concept of being a gentleman dates back to centuries ago. they’ve always been raised to provide and protect the women in their lives. man, the pilgrim men would have a stroke if they saw what we’re dealing with today.

back to that question. why now? who do we blame for this? just to clarify, i’m not going to do hours of research and reading case studies that have the possible answers. and then write a blog about it. 

like i said, all of the information in those books, even if they’re outdated, makes perfect sense. men prefer women who are mysterious and harder to get. if you make a man wait to sleep with you, they’ll become more inclined to get to know you (and more likely to become a successful relationship) and not just use you for sex and dip. men love women who are strong and independent, ones who know what they want and will put them in their place. but the more i think about it and reflect on my own experiences, the less i believe these things serve true for a majority of men my age today. 

i’ve heard multiple people point out that our generation has a surplus of beautiful women and a lack of good-looking, decent boys. it’s something i’ve never noticed, but makes sense when you see all these couples with a stunning girl and a boy that is mediocre looking. probably means he’s breaking the scale in the personality department, which is great, but most of these boys are a 4 at best on both the looks and personality scales, which is the alarming part. 

the point is, because of this ratio, boys feel like they can be that way. if one girl doesn’t cooperate with him, he knows he can find someone who will. in other words, if a girl who read the same book i did took the advice and made a guy she just met wait to go home with her, he would simply walk away and go find someone else who will leave with him immediately. this means that unless a boy genuinely falls in love at first sight, there’s really no possibility of getting to know someone anymore. 

men used to write letters and walk miles to speak to a woman because technology didn’t exist. now, no one even asks for phone numbers. why??? i genuinely cannot wrap my head around it and would love an explanation for this. why, specifically when you’re over the age of 18, do you have to communicate via an exchange of photos? an app we’ve been using since we were 12 years old? it’s always “what’s your snapchat?” or “let me get your ig.” and then the relationship’s fate is merely determined by photos 🙂 whether it’s exchanging snaps or liking instagram stories, the same remains true. one bad snapchat and it’s over. how classy. 

and this usually ends up benefitting nobody because the parties on both sides end up using toxic manipulation tactics on these apps in order to lure one another in. i’ll guarantee you that one, if not all, of the following will resonate with you: 

• “he left me on delivered for 5 hours so i’m gonna wait 7 hours to answer him.”
• “he keeps sending me blank screens so i’m just gonna leave him on open.” 
• “i need to take a thirst trap so he can see it and like my story/swipe up.”
• “should i half swipe and then not answer for awhile?” 
• and the worst one of them all….. “his snap score went up 6 points and he hasn’t responded to me!!!!” i just got shivers down my spine. 

what do all of these have in common? they all demonstrate a lack of communication which usually (if not always) results in the demise of the relationship. they all cause crippling anxiety, insecurity, depression, and wasting our precious time. nothing good though right? or am i missing something? it’s pathetic. and realistically, the only reason why girls still use it is out of fear of losing their men (or should i say boys). why are we doing anything for men? 

and the dating apps will try to make you think otherwise. but from my experience, even when you start a conversation with someone on hinge, they’ll still ask you for your snapchat. 

let me acknowledge that my first mistake is thinking i’ll find someone while i’m out at the bar or through these dating apps. it’s like the concept of taking you out doesn’t exist in these settings- it’s either you agree to sleep with them or that’s the end of it. so back to my questions: what the hell are we supposed to do in the meantime while we’re young, having fun going out, and waiting patiently for someone to come and actually be a gentleman? 

if any boys read this, i’d genuinely love to have a conversation addressing everything i’ve been saying thus far. but for now, i’m gonna answer my questions with my own personal beliefs that i’ve been following in order to stay sane during this time. 

no, i don’t think chivalry is really dead. i think that the mere fact that boys are 5 years behind girls emotionally is very telling. if you don’t believe me, think back to when our parents would drill this into our heads growing up. that a boy was being mean to us because girls mature quicker than boys. we were taller than all the boys in our grade because we go through puberty much earlier than boys do. it’s unfortunate, but it’s a fact and there’s nothing we can really do about it. this is why i mentioned that unless you’re willing to settle for an older man (and there is no judgment at all if you do), you’ll have to play the waiting game. once a man is emotionally mature enough to acknowledge he wants to settle down and really be serious about someone, he will get in line, be a gentleman, and treat you right. 

you just have to remember that a 24 year old is mentally a 19-year-old frat boy. this means you’ll have to wait until he’s about 32 years old (27 years mentally) to fully treat you right and be serious. but this is if you’re willing to wait for the one that will do everything right and lives up to all your standards. a lot of the time, girls aren’t willing to wait and they risk being hurt or settling long-term with someone they aren’t 100% infatuated with. it’s a risk i’m not really willing to take at this point in my life, mostly because of the experiences i’ve dealt with or have watched others deal with. it’s not worth stressing and rapidly aging while i’m in my prime. sorry! 

of course, there are exceptions. lots of them. friends to lovers. falling in love at first sight. high-school and college sweethearts. meeting someone at work, or in a coffee shop, or on the street. there’s a lot of opportunities, you just have to wait for the time to be right! 

it gets depressing, don’t get me wrong. feeling like everyone and their mother is in a relationship but you. but god puts you in the waiting season for a reason. it means he has someone who you’re not ready for. or someone who is not yet ready for you. 

someone who will make you feel a love you’ve never felt before. someone who will not make your life a finger. someone who won’t let you think twice for a second. that’s what i’m waiting for. i’m tired of playing games and stressing out more than i’m genuinely happy. so, during this season, i’m bettering myself and preparing for this person. i’m making the most of being young and able to go out and have fun, make memories, be stupid, make mistakes, spend time with loved ones, and try new things. like i’ve said in a previous post, your 20s is the time to do this. the time to be independent and figure yourself and your life out. having someone sounds amazing, but also would restrict you from doing so while you’re this young. your person will just be an addition. you don’t need someone to be happy, you want someone to be an addition to your happiness.

you need to be completely content with yourself and by yourself before adding another human into your life. i believe this is what god makes us wait for. so, when you’re feeling desperate and thinking of settling for the guy best friend or the really really nice boy who you just can’t bring yourself to be attracted to, remember that you’re in this position for a reason 🙂