big sister blog

if you don’t resonate with either, keep on movingggwhilst in the post-grad honeymoon phase, i’ve done some reading and reflecting and wanted to share my thoughts. one of the books i’ve read and actually learned a lot from is act like a lady, think like a man by steve harvey. bizarre choice, i know and trust me, i was skeptical about taking relationship advice from the host of family feud, but it was a good read. plus, there’s a movie based on it that i watched immediately after and it was awesome. but, if you’re not into reading, here are some of my key takeaways from the book and the other reflections i’ve made during this precious time.

#1 have standards and stick by them 

at this point, we’re too young to settle for someone who doesn’t meet our standards and we’re too old to stoop painfully low for little boys who won’t ever give us what we deserve. so, make a list of standards and do not give anyone who doesn’t meet them the time. side note: this doesn’t mean to ignore anyone who isn’t your ideal type, but i mean anyone who doesn’t meet your standards of treating you with respect and like the queen you are. 

no matter how lonely it gets, it’s not worth settling for someone who will eventually hurt you. the reality is, men don’t change. men also immediately know if the person in front of them is just going to be a hookup or someone they want to really pursue. so, the icks and red flags you see in the beginning won’t ever change and will worsen as time goes on. you want to marry the person you don’t have even the slightest bit of doubt about, so you can live a life full of happiness that doesn’t end in a messy divorce (like 50% of marriages in the usa do). live your life to the fullest while you’re young and be patient, there’s plenty of ways to take your mind off being single and the best things come unexpected / when you’re not thinking about it. 

#2 to that point, if you vocalize your standards and someone belittles them, they’re not the one

exhibit a: if a boy asks for your snapchat (this alone is a red flag at our old age) and you say you don’t use snapchat so he laughs, makes fun, or walks away, just scrap him immediately and know you dodged a bullet. 

the right person won’t make snapchat your main way of communicating to begin with. if he does, he’s way too immature to give you what you deserve (i promiseeeee just run far away!!! you will find someone much much better in time!!!). avoid the hurt and disappointment and just move on to the next contender. this is just an example, but his reaction to any of your standards should be very telling as to how he’ll treat you. if he’s accommodating and not putting up any fight, he’s probably a keeper. 

if you’re scared of putting your foot down and being stern about your standards, just know that men respect and prefer someone who is hard to get, rather than someone who’s easy and goes above and beyond to make him happy. steve differentiates these two types of people by calling the easy kind “sport fish” referring to men who fish for sport throwing the fish they catch right back into the water. on the other hand, the ones who put up a “mental challenge” (aka be a bitch) and vocalize their standards upfront are called “keepers.
keepers make it known that they know what they want and mean business (aka wifey material). 

#3 take note of everything. do not put up with half-assed behaviors, no matter what the status is (situationship, dating, talking, idgaf) 

if a person takes more than an hour to respond more times than less, it’s not worth it. the excuses “i’m just a bad texter” or “i hate texting” just don’t cut it anymore. if a person genuinely likes you and wants to get to know you more, they will care about how your day has been and want to learn more about you and therefore make the time to do so. if they don’t, it means they aren’t fully invested and therefore not worth the time and energy. you’ll find someone who will drop anything to talk to you and see you, but you must be willing to be patient and wait for them, instead of settling for any scrub that gives you the slightest amount of attention and will soon be the unfortunate cause of your demise. 

#4 make them put in work 

don’t be scared to play hard to get. that’s what needs to be done with men in order to keep them chasing and in for the long-run. if you make it easy, they’ll get bored very quickly and either leave right away or fade out in time. make them take you out, do not (pleaseeee) just go to their house and “watch movies” after the sun has set every time you see them. men who genuinely respect you and have any interest in getting to know you will make the effort to go out on dates to show he respects you and cares about furthering the relationship. it’s also a matter of respecting yourself. you’re way too hot and have too much to offer to be letting these idiots ghost you and treat you as a basic bitchhh. 

side note: not sure if its the stubborn italian in me, but i’m old-fashioned and still believe that if a man truly wants you, he’ll make a damn move. he’ll walk up to you in the bar or slide into your dms or anything to initiate an interaction. nowadays its become more common for women to initiate it, but my future husband is gonna have to come in and swoop me off my feet…

#5 the 3-month rule is real, follow it 

i’ve heard of this before reading and am not sure if steve coined this concept, but it’s one everyone should abide by in order to protect their peace. steve’s version is that you shouldn’t sleep with someone for three months, which can be the one you follow if you prefer, but i personally believe anything that isn’t just giving it up on the first or second times you see someone will have the same effect. but, my version of the rule, and the one i’ve seen before, is that if he doesn’t know if he wants to put a label on things and call you his girlfriend within 3 months of consistently seeing each other, you gotta run. it means he likes having you around at all times to play house with, but not enough to take you seriously. just run, you look dumb. you can follow either rule or make one of your own, but the point is, 3 months is a pretty solid amount of time for someone to develop and solidify their feelings for someone if you spend a decent amount of time together. 

#6 for those who secured the bag and are getting serious: if he doesn’t “profess, provide, and protect” he’s justttt not that into you 

i personally agree with this part of the book but it’s up for debate. if its been 3 months and you’ve dropped everyone and have been loyal to this man, apply the following test to see if he’s truly into you and therefore worth any more of your precious time. keep in mind this is coming directly from the book, so not my advice but just something i agree with and thought was helpful. 

1. he professes (aka puts a label on it)
   1. basically, steve says that if you’re with people he cares about and he introduces you by your name or as a friend, he ain’t in it for the long haul. if he refers to you as his girlfriend, lady, lover, etc. then you know he’s truly invested because men love to flaunt and take clear ownership of what’s theirs! makes sense, they love to flaunt their cars, shoes, and watches, so why wouldn’t he want to flaunt his perfect girl to the people closest to him? 
2. he provides
   1. steve highlights how men are pretty much raised to provide and protect the women in their lives. during childhood it’s their mom, and once they grow up it’s their partner and children. either way, if a man can’t provide for the women they love, they’ll never be satisfied and therefore won’t make anything (yes, even you!!) a priority other than obtaining the means to provide. this is why if he’s too young and immature to provide, it’s probably not worth investing a lot of your time into hoping he’ll drop everything and change right away to make you happy. but aside from that, if he has the means (or even if he doesn’t and he meets your other standards), he’ll do everything he can to provide for you if he truly is invested. and don’t get me wrong, it’s not all about money. providing means providing you with literally whatever you need, whether its help moving a heavy box or help with calming down after a long and hard day. whatever it is, the right person will make sure to immediately fix all your problems and provide you with happiness any chance he gets. actions speak louder than words especially serves true in this part of the test, because providing = action, putting in work, making effort !!!!!!
3. he protects
   1. this is pretty self explanatory, but he’ll do everything in his power to make sure you’re protected at all costs. if someone simply brushes into you while you’re out, he’ll make an effort to stare them down and cover you like armor so it doesn’t happen again. or if someone threatens you in any shape or form, he “handles it” right away. like your dad who you rely throughout your whole childhood, it will feel natural to rely on the right person to feel safe at all times. if they brush any degree of danger to you off, they’re simply just a bum. 

moral of the story: don’t let fear get in the way of sticking to your standards and don’t let impatience get in the way of waiting for the right person to treat you right this is literally the most important concept of dating and is what’s at the center of every romance self-help book you’ll ever read (trust me, i’ve read a lot). writing down or thinking about affirmations will help a lot with staying patient and realizing how worthy you are and therefore not to be played with (i am smart, i am hot, i am successful, i am kind, etc). why risk looking stupid and getting dogged by someone who is completely out of your league??? whether it’s stupidity, immaturity, or just plain being a dick, no excuse in the book can justify settling for someone who isn’t willing to live up to your standards and treat you the way you deserve. so, find hobbies, absorb every second with friends and family, and just wait for the right person to come in and sweep you off your feet. i promise it’ll happen soon enough and you’ll thank me for not settling for the bum who left you on delivered on snapchat for hours and invited you over every other week to watch grown ups in bed with his ugly dog (lol hits close to home, as you could probably tell).