big sister blog

ever feel like everything is going perfectly for everyone but you? like you’re in an endless spiral of bad things happening one after the other? always asking yourself: why does this happen to me? this leads to thinking of all the reasons why these things shouldn’t be happening to you.

i’m a good person! i have good morals, i do well in school, i work hard, and i look out for my friends and family. what could i have possibly done to deserve these horrible things happening to me? why do good things never happen for me?

this was me. constantly. for years, but mostly during my freshman year of college. a period of time that is crucial for everyone, but specifically, for me. i dreamed of this time throughout the entirety of my high school experience. i hated being confined to the tiny hometown that i grew up in, where i outgrew quite literally everyone i grew up with. i hated the high school i went to, which was a high-ranked technical school where everyone (but me) was born a genius. i hated living at home and being constantly told what to do. so yeah, there wasn’t a day that went by that i didn’t think of college, so when i finally got there, i made it a point to make sure that those years were the best ones of my life. but instead, i felt stuck and i was never sure why. i kept asking myself those questions and became more and more frustrated every time. 

here is some background about me, which might be relatable for some, and is a useful part of the story (i promise). at first glance, i have a raging resting bitch face (rbf), which probably steers lots of potential partners and friends away. once i am cracked by those who are brave and willing, i am super goofy, talkative, and have a very sarcastic sense of humor. when a deeper relationship is formed, i love and care hard, and will do everything in my power to show that. anyways, this rigid exterior combined with a very particular interior results in me taking a liking and getting along with a very specific type of person. that doesn’t mean that you have to be exactly like me, in fact, most of my friends are very different from me, but if there is something that throws me off even just a little bit, i instantly become turned off and put my guard up. it’s like dating men, if they’re rude to the waitress on the first date, that’s the end of that. the same thing applies to me in terms of any first impression.

as my freshman year self (the one who dreamt of living the perfect college life) was stuck in this rut full of negativity and self-doubt, my freshman year roommate, allie, was the luckiest person i had ever met. everything just worked out for her. she was always happy. even when something slightly inconvenienced her, she remained her happy, bubbly self. being overly happy and bubbly isn’t a part of the “julia special,” so i wasn’t thrilled about this. but nevertheless, our personalities seemed to mesh perfectly. we clicked almost instantly and within a week of knowing each other, we knew every last detail about each other’s lives. it seemed like a glitch in the system. i never got along with people who were that happy all the time. but we just worked. the one thing that did work out for me during this time was the fact that she just so happened to be the only person who agreed to be my roommate. 

we were two peas in a pod that year. but i spent more effort that year trying to have a good time than actually having a good time. i watched allie so effortlessly have the time of her life and felt like her shadow, constantly watching her make lots of friends, flirt with boys, and dance every night away. most nights i’d make up an excuse to go home early because i was so drained from putting in all of this effort. then, i’d lay alone in my tiny twin bed in our shoebox of a dorm and ask myself why i couldn’t live the life she was living. ask myself those same questions once again: what did i possibly do to deserve this, after going through four years of absolute hell in high school? 

although we talked so much that there was nothing we didn’t know about each other, there was a cloud of curiosity that constantly loomed over me. i thought: yeah, our personalities are a little different, but we get along so well. how is she living her best life and i still feel so stuck? 

we’d have conversations about how i felt and she would simply tell me things like: you just have to be more positive. you have a really negative mindset about everything, which affects your overall quality of life and attracts more negative things.

the first time she told me this, i scoffed and nodded my head just to shut her up. it was the last thing i wanted to hear. all i wanted was an immediate solution. not some corny advice she found from an instagram self-help page. as we continued having more conversations and she kept repeating herself, i became fed up and stopped talking to her about how i felt. 

all i could think of was changing how i looked from the outside. that’s the only immediate solution i thought would work. i thought that no one wanted to be my friend or romantic partner because of how i looked. i always knew i was an attractive girl, but the truth of the matter was that the girls that had big friend groups and got lots of male attention were very tiny and lean. i, on the other hand, have always had a more curvy figure, and though i embraced this growing up, i came to hate myself and compared myself to the girls around me, including my roommate, any chance i got.

because of this, i tried copying the makeup of the “perfect” influencers on my social media feeds. i mimicked the clothes of the “it girls” on my campus who were living the ideal college experience that i so desperately craved. i frequently changed the color and style of my hair. i went on a variety of diets and tried different pills that tiktok told me would suppress my appetite and make me lose weight within weeks. 

this went on until the spring semester of my junior year. quite literally all of my friends studied abroad in europe, so i spent winter break mentally preparing to be alone at school fending for myself that semester. just before the new year, i came across a tiktoker who preached manifestation. usually, i skipped through these videos without a thought, but some higher power urged me to listen to this one fully through. long story short, the video explained the power of manifestation and gratitude and how it can completely shift your life. the video was ultimately promoting this person’s manifestation journal, which worked because i bought it. but, if not for this video, i’d still be stuck in that rut that felt so incredibly dark and hopeless. 

here ‘s what i have learned about manifesting, gratitude and journaling: 

1. to manifest, write down everything you want in the present tense, as if you already have it. speak as if you already have everything you want. for example, instead of writing “i want a boyfriend,” you would write, “i have a boyfriend who loves me for who i am.” 
2. manifesting not only programs your subconscious to believe that you have these things, but writing these things down consistently also makes them a priority in your mind, which pushes you closer to achieving them and ultimately, getting everything you want in life. hence, manifesting your dream life. 
3. a sub-part to manifesting is affirmations (“i am happy,” “i am confident,” “i am wealthy,” etc). similarly, you write down everything you wish to be/feel about yourself in present tense as if you already feel that way, and eventually, you (your subconscious) will be programmed to really feel it. i like to also think of this as “faking it till you make it.” people can say this all they want, but writing these affirmations down consistently helps with really feeling that way. 
4. finally, the bow that wraps everything together is gratitude. whether it is programming your brain to notice the little things in life and actively expressing how grateful you are for them, or writing them all down every night, it is extremely important to reflect on what you are grateful for. this is what ultimately gets you out of the rut, makes you realize that all of those little things that make your life “so bad” and “so hard” aren’t worth dwelling on. there are so many more positive things that actually make your life great, things that you would see if you took ten minutes out of your day to focus on them and practice gratitude. 
5. after all this talk about writing things down, you’ll find that buying a journal is actually very useful (no this isn’t a promotion for a manifestation journal, i promise). though i do find the ones that are specifically for manifesting to be more efficient, since they usually include sections for manifesting, affirmations and gratitude, you can also use any old journal you have laying around your house. 

the moral of the story is that allie was right. to be fair, i still tell her that to this day. all of those hours she spent trying to tell me this information in our dorm room just for me to make this realization from a minute-long tiktok video promoting a manifestation journal. it was a hard concept to grasp, but one i will be forever grateful for and will always use to try and help people, even if i get the same reactions that i initially gave allie. 

the power of gratitude and manifestation has, indeed, changed my life. whether it be opening the doors to new opportunities or switching the way i look at things, it really does change your quality of life. admittedly, i do not journal every single day. consistently journaling in the beginning helps more as a kickstart, to fuel your brain into permanently having this more positive mindset. but, i find that when i am steering off of this path or simply am not feeling great one day, journaling has immensely helped me feel better and get back on track. 

shifting your mindset is key, which manifesting and expressing gratitude allowed for me to do. it allows for you to take any inconveniences or negative things going on in your life and shift your mindset from believing that these are solely “bad things” to instead believing that these things are learning lessons to grow from. i’m going to refer to these things as inconveniences from now on, because that’s really what they are. they’re things that inconvenience you from living a happy life. they are inevitable, so might as well embrace them. that’s why they are small inconveniences that we learn and grow from, rather than dwell on and repeatedly go through the cycle of asking ourselves why bad things always happen to us. the cycle that gets us stuck in a rut for years. 

i acknowledge that it can seem ignorant to call something traumatic, like the death of a loved one, an inconvenience, but i assure you that this is how you must see any and all negative things that you encounter. nothing, even the most significant of experiences, can ruin the strong mindset you build up. i recently lost my grandfather, who i was extremely close with my whole life. he was the first person i have lost and the first person i have truly grieved. i was destroyed and found myself slowly succumbing to embracing and focusing on all the negative things that were happening around me. but as i felt myself falling back into this cycle, i quickly began practicing gratitude again and asked myself what i have learned from this tragedy. i learned how important it is to spend as much time as possible with your loved ones, even when you are exhausted and just want to be alone. especially ones who are aging. i also learned how lucky i am to be in such close proximity to the rest of my family and friends, who comforted me the entire time i was grieving. thinking of and acknowledging simple things like these allows for you to realize how tiny and unimportant the negative things you were dwelling on were. we have one life to live and it goes by very quickly, don’t waste it on dwelling on negativity. spend it with loved ones, doing things that make life amazing.

i also think it’s important to note that especially in traumatic situations, you must remember that time heals all. it’s a cliche, but something that is so important. emotions are so strong, especially in the heat of the moment, but it is so important to remember that you will feel so incredibly different, whether that be in a day, a week, a month, or a year. your emotions are constantly changing, that’s why there are so many of them. don’t let a single one get the best of you.

ask yourself questions like: does this align with my values? will this reflect positively on me? will i regret this? will this make me feel better about myself and the situation? 

it’s definitely easier said than done, but this will prevent you from feeling any worse about a situation, and ultimately with healing quicker. i know times like these feel like they will never end, that the gut-wrenching, nauseating feeling inside you will last forever. but i promise, it goes away with time. the fact that most people have experienced these feelings multiple times in their lives and are still standing today proves the immense amount of strength you have in yourself. the strength to power through the worst situations and grow stronger from them, rather than letting them tear you down. that’s real badass if you ask me. 

so, with all of this, i hope to help those in a similar situation, whether its one specific situation or a personal rut you’ve been in for years. before you scoff and think i’m speaking a bunch of corny bs, take a moment to really think and rewire your brain for just one day. try to forbid yourself from thinking negatively for a whole 24-hours, and instead invent a positive spin on each and every thing that happens throughout the whole day. something good? express gratitude for it. something bad? take it as a lesson and learn from it. remind yourself that everything happens for a reason and that this was meant to happen in order for better things to come in the future.

for those wondering, i am graduating college in two months and look back on these past four years with extreme gratitude. allie is still one of my best friends and we pride ourselves on being one of the only freshman year roommate success stories to exist. i can’t wait to tell my future children and grandchildren about our story. maybe it wasn’t exactly the experience i was imagining while i was in high school, but it was one that led me to my closest friends who i know will remain by my side in years to come. one that led me to truly discovering myself, realizing my worth, and taking advantage of any and all opportunities that come my way. and finally, one that led to me achieving everything that i have manifested for myself.