big sister blog

because situationships aren’t for everyone and that’s okay!

“situationships,” a term so ridiculous that it pains me to even type out, might bring out the worst possible feelings known to man. the term is so new and unfortunately common that it’s basically become a universal experience. i’d say that 99% of the time, they don’t end up making a positive impact on our lives. they quite frankly make them a living hell. yet, they’re still so common.

in case you don’t know, “situationships” are relationships without the label, commitment, and effort. they usually mirror a real relationship entirely, which ultimately ends up in both people being on complete different pages, in terms of expectations. in other words: recipe for disaster.

in case urban dictionary’s definition makes it more clear, “let’s just chill, have sex, and be confused on the fact that we are not together but have official emotions for each other.” 

i’m someone who is very much a lover girl. i’ve always hated the idea of hookup culture and not putting labels on anything. but after being single for awhile, i began to succumb to it. it made me realize how incredibly rare it is for genuine relationships to blossom nowadays, not just because of hookup culture, but because of this new term, “situationship” that we as a society woke up and decided to accept one day. this was new for me because i never engaged in one of these until i unknowingly found myself in one recently. don’t get me wrong, i’ve heard stories about girls getting screwed over in their situationship and being depressed for weeks, but i always thought to myself: how can anyone be so stupid to get themself in this situation? but it was like deja vu, the same story i heard all those times happened to me within months. 

it was the day before my first thanksgiving without my grandfather, who passed the week before and was my best friend and unofficial therapist for all 22 years of my life. after months of “exclusive” infatuation, i walked into the bar and the person i was in a situationship with was “with” another girl. ahhh that typical getting-screwed-over-by-your-situationship story.

i was in a genuine state of shock. my body went numb and a good number of people recounted me blindly starring at them with no life behind my eyes as they were continuously trying to speak to me. i did not cry a single tear that night.

i did the next morning, though. i was quite literally sick to my stomach. i did not ingest a single crumb of thanksgiving food. instead of spending this day with my grieving family, i was bawling my eyes out in bed wondering what i did to deserve this. 

i didn’t deserve it. there is not one single thing i have done to deserve feeling that way. no one deserves it, in fact, it’s something i do not wish on my worst enemy. i talked to my grandfather in heaven for the first time since he passed earlier the day this whole debacle happened. i asked him to send me someone who truly loves me and respects me, if he’s able to. i’m not sure if that’s ridiculous on my end, but i also don’t think it’s a coincidence that this all happened shortly afterwards. it forced me to realize that this situation was not meant for me, earlier rather than later, before it possibly turned into a serious relationship. 

you’d think i cut it off for good after this experience alone, but no. like most situationships, apologies and “closure talks” lead to it lingering on longer than it should. even while at school by myself living my best life, it remained in my head rent free and i never really knew why. i knew that i didn’t deserve the repeated disrespect in the slightest, yet i let the situation find its way up there at the most inconvenient times. it frustrated me like no other. 

let’s’ be clear, i do think my feelings were valid. when you spend a good amount of time with someone, it’s inevitable that feelings will arise and one or both parties will expect some kind of loyalty. when you become friends with someone and the relationship continues to get stronger as time goes by, you expect them to be a loyal friend, right? you wouldn’t expect them to disrespect you after months of spending time and becoming vulnerable with them. if this is the case, why should a situationship be the exception? i don’t know if it’ll ever make sense to me, but i know i won’t let this concept affect my life ever again.

i know something better is coming. i know this all happened for a reason. for me to finally exit this situation that i deep down knew was not good for me. i pretty much asked for it, after all. i know i deserve someone who does not just meet, but exceeds my standards, because i am a great person. i am someone who has so much love to give and no matter what i get back, will find excuses to keep loving harder and harder. i work so hard every day to ensure a bright future for myself and to make everyone i love and care about happy. i am empathetic, intelligent, self-aware, funny, independent, hardworking, and kind. i know something amazing is in store for me.

god has a plan and there is no reason to have even a little doubt that someone i truly deserve is going to come when i least expect it. i’ve always known these things and therefore try to justify this whole situation by telling people that it happened for a reason. to raise my standards and not settle for half-assed situationships (god i cannot stand this word), but instead to remain content with being by myself until someone comes in and swoops me off my feet. 

the only thing that sets me back with this mindset is the waiting game. don’t get me wrong, i know that god keeps us waiting until we are our most stable and secure selves. he wants us to be happy with ourselves and to establish a stable relationship with him before sending another person our way who will most likely direct our attention and priorities elsewhere. nevertheless, it still sucks to wait. we often feel that we just need someone else to fixate on, in order to get over a situation. but, that’s wrong. you never need someone else for anything. 

so, how to get over the waiting game? first, have faith. focus on the non-romantic relationships in your life. as a matter of fact, romanticize your whole life, especially these relationships. find little (and big) ways to make yourself happy, whether that be booking a flight, working hard to ensure your own success, lighting your favorite candle scent, cleaning your room, writing down your thoughts, buying yourself pretty flowers, or, most importantly, prioritizing those other relationships in your life. after all, these are the people who have and will always stick by your side for the rest of your life. relationships (and situationships) come and go, but real family and friends do not. they are the ones who provide you a shoulder to cry on in these situations, who will give you honest and valuable advice to make you feel better, who give you affirmations to boost your confidence and remind you of your self-worth. prioritize this instead of trying to find the next person to fixate on. this is what i do in order to steer away from spiraling about the waiting game. 

so, for anyone who is in a similar situation, please do not torture yourself for the sake of comfort. do whatever you have to do to get over it. whether that’s keeping yourself busy, removing him from socials, spending time with loved ones, or egging his house (kidding), just trust what your gut is telling you to avoid being hurt.

in any relationship, you should feel all in. 100% confident in your person, no matter what is going on. any feelings that defy this are trying to tell you that it is not meant for you. it’s hard, but it is so respectable and empowering to watch someone stand on business and walk away from someone they know is not right for them. we are so used to seeing people constantly go back to toxic exes and situationships just because they are comfortable. it’s so rare to see someone truly respecting themself and gathering the strength (that they often don’t even know they have) to leave. 

once again, i know it’s not easy. i am guilty of going back in almost all of my previous situations. but i promise, finally getting that strength to walk away feels so good. on thanksgiving, i truly felt as if that horrible pit in my stomach would never go away. but time truly does heal all. after days went by and i finally started to feel better and have the strength to go out and interact with people, i realized that this too shall pass. i knew there was a reason why i was i got that phrase tattooed on my back a few years ago. 

finally, a good rule of thumb to follow is to ask yourself: is this person adding to my life? you should never even be questioning this, and if the answer is anything but a solid yes, that’s your sign to say goodbye. you have full power and capability to be stable on your own and should only add someone to the mix if they add another layer of positivity and happiness to your life. if they truly make you a better person than you were before. there will be challenges that arise, but the way in which they are handled is always very telling.

i conclude by saying that no one who is willing to repeatedly disrespect you is worth putting an ounce of energy into. why waste precious time spiraling over something that isn’t benefiting you? you could be using it to become the best version of yourself and live your best life, all while waiting for the right person to swoop you off your feet! so many unfortunate things were happening in my life during such a short period of time. i was absolutely miserable and devastated. but i got through everything at once and i became a better and stronger person from them. if that’s the case, i can get through anything life throws at me. that means you can too. this too shall pass!